Are you keeping people out?

Posted on August 8, 2016 | 5 comments


In relationships, all of us have a part of our self that we attempt to protect.

For some, the process of growing in relationship means addressing those walls and removing them. Choosing to trust and allow vulnerability.

On the other hand, for others a wall seems a necessity and they work to build it up as fast as possible.

A wall gives the feeling of protecting identity. If someone cannot see the real you, then they cannot reject you.

A wall gives the sense of control. By controlling people’s behavior and what is acceptable in relationship, you feel like the one in charge.

A wall gives the illusion of effort. Because you are working hard to maintain your wall, it feels like working on the relationship.

A wall gives an excuse. When another person gets tired of trying to break through your wall, you can then blame them for the failure of the relationship.

Problem is, not only do walls protect from what’s outside, they trap you on the inside. They steal your freedom.

Those you present your wall to are not responding to you, but to your facade. That does not change the feeling of rejection.

It is lonely within your borders because your true self will not feel loved.

How are you keeping people out? Is it a compulsion? An issue of performance? Fault finding? Something else entirely?

Taking down a wall required developing awareness of identity and the lies you are believing. Some of the bricks will be easy and some painful.

Because of the lies, your wall is built upon sand, that is why it is so exhausting to maintain.


I work with followers of Christ to energize discipleship, improve relationships, decrease anxiety and facilitate leadership development. I am a certified coach specializing in pastoral leadership, relationships, discipleship, life transitions, and Christian identity. Also, I am the author of the forthcoming book Tree of Lies: Transforming Decisions, Behaviors, and Relationships By Gaining Perspective On Your Identity in Christ.

Services I offer are one-on-one coaching, group coaching,  speaking at organizations/churches, workshops on marriage/discipleship/leadership, and church retreats. For more info, click here to contact me.

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  1. “not only do walls protect from what’s outside, they trap you on the inside.” Great observation! So true.
    I once heard that we shouldn’t build our own walls because God is our Fortress, our Strong Tower. He is all the wall we need to protect us.

    • We do take refuge under the wings of the Lord. To love means to offer vulnerability. Although, that looks different at different levels of relationship.

  2. I’m reading about Boundaries right now and the caution is the same: while boundaries are healthy for our authentic living, they can also become walls that keep us locked in our safe little private and selfish space!

    • It is a fine line between boundary and wall. A healthily rooted identity helps!

  3. I feel that more and more people have walls built around them. Maybe it is prior hurt or maybe it’s simply the way we are teaching our children. But building deep authentic relationships is really tough when you have to keep fighting through a wall! I loved this post, Scott! Thank you for sharing hope for relationships with us at #MomentsofHope!!
    Blessings and smiles,

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