Fixing Your Spouse?

In the book The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler, the following paragraph of wisdom is found on page 66:

The hard-won lesson I’ve learned in marriage, something I’m very grateful for knowing now, is that there are some things in my wife’s heart and some struggles she faces in life that I cannot fix. It doesn’t matter how romantic I am; it doesn’t matter how loving I am; it doesn’t matter how many flowers I send, or if I write her poetry, or if I clean the kitchen, or if I take the kids and let her go have girl time – I am powerless to fix {my wife}. (And she’s powerless to fix me.) Doing all those things to minister to her are right and good, but there are things in my girl that I can’t fix, things that are between her and the Lord. Just like there are things in me that she can’t love me enough to overcome.

The desire to ‘fix’ my spouse is ultimately an expression of the false self.

It is disguised as altruism, but it is selfish manipulation.

My pride says that if I can make her well, if I’m just good enough and perform well enough, then my wife will in turn be able to better meet my needs and expectations.

She’ll be able to reflect value to me. Reflecting value to my identity.

Fixing my spouse is a way to seek wholeness in my relationship apart from God.

It is not motivated by love, it is motivated by the false identity getting something it needs. Validation. Affirmation.

We are only able to love when our identity is rooted in Christ; connected to the source and not dependent on other sources of validation.

Love serves. It does not attempt to fix.

What is it about your spouse that you are trying to fix? What is your motivation?

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